A very close friend of mine, in struggling. Maybe a midlife crisis. Maybe drifting too far down a path he shouldn’t have been drifting down. Maybe the demand of a contemporary career.
We talk regularly. As regular as two close friends, who now live in different parts of the country, do. We make an effort, but we both admit we could do better.
Whenever I check in, we always have a gripe about something in our life. That is part of having a friend; for griping. Our careers always give us trouble, and our kids always do something annoyingly funny. We laugh.
At Christmas, we missed one another. Typically, we grab a coffee or a meal and catch up in person. This year we didn’t.
I did not think anything of it.
He called a few days back, and I was busy. On my way to a birthday party. His voicemail apologized again for missing one another and asked me to give him a call to catch up. I added it to my to-do list for the week.
A bit out of character, he called back two days later. I was concerned.
I dropped what I was doing, and immediately called him back. What I heard on the other line was a man in a bad place. Frankly, he sounded like a scared boy. Unsure of the future and scared of today.
I give myself a B- for the way I handled the call.
The positives. I didn’t let him divert the focus from him and his struggles back on to me. In this moment, it did not matter how I was doing.
I asked questions, looking to get him to unwind the spinning thoughts in his head and bring them into the light. This works for me, and I assume why talk therapy works. The vulnerability of these words are scary, but they weigh a ton. You have to get them out, feels like a great dump.
I gave him permission to do the things that scared him most. I let him know I would be there for him, no matter how unsure he was of the dark alley that lay before him. I let him know it would be ok.
What I did not do well. I didn’t create enough space. I talked a bit too much. I tried to impart wisdom in a time when wisdom wasn’t needed. Not sure it ever is, but especially not here.
Questions were all that was needed in this time. And confirmation that he was safe and capable of meeting this head on.
I just needed to create space.
He needed a witness.